More advice...

From Ellabelle:
H. also brought up a good point last night when we were discussing you...(face it, you're like our adopted child). You don't drive, right?
Can you survive out there without a car?

I don't know enough specifics to know what I would have done in your shoes. I have always tended to make the safe choice, so I probably would have doneit. But I don't know. I can't imagine leaving NYC behind. Go with your gut, but also go with whatever allows you the most freedom to chase your
dreams.

Xo


From Athena:

"I think that you should keep in mind that your dream was to come to NYC, for more than just a job. And you are here, enjoying it as you knew you would. While a job oppty. is good, there will always be another job. Always. CA is vastly different from NYC and if this is your dream, don't give up on it so fast - CA will still be there, another job will always come along.

Follow your gut.

You have a very very wise gut, my dear - wiser than it should by all rights be, so follow it. Home is important. And we here at home love you and would love to have you stick around!"

From E:


Eh, fuck "should". :)

You're experiencing the really complicated state of mind that makes you want to stick your head out the window and scream - when you feel compelled to leave not only people you love, but a place and life you love. "I love this place! I must explore! AAAHHHH!!!"

I had to do a LOT of roaming to find myself. "What, I'm still here? And still the same old me? I haven't learned every single thing there is to know about the world? Time to try another place." Eventually I ran out of places I wanted to try, or got sick as hell of shlepping my stuff all over the country, not sure which, and I found out

... wait for it ...

wherever you go, there you are. :)

CA's not going anywhere - unless they get the Big One and then, well, they are - and you've got all the time in the world. If you like NY, stay awhile.

From Mr. Mack:
Weigh a few things. The moolah might be sweet, but:

-will you hate it the position?

-as miserable as being dirt-poor can be, would that be
better or worse than getting locked-in to the job?

-are you a big fan of the Pacific Rim, and its
"cultures" ?

hey, maybe the answers to these things will steer you
out there. But whatever you do, do NOT take the job to
be able to send home dinero to the family, as much as
they could use it. That can't be part of your
decision, 'cause if you're happy (or even just
bearably copacetic), then fine; but if you're
downtrodden, you'll be downtrodden in sacrifice to
others -- and then you may as well be a pregnant
15-year-old, sacrificing your whole life, dreams,
aspirations, etc.

You deserve to be happy, God damn it.

____________________________

You know, I'm getting the same vibe from everyone I ask. "Do what you need to do for you." What are my dreams? They are vauge these days, but they've included NYC since I was oh, 4 years old.

I can apparently survive without a car, though it's challenging. People say "suck it up and learn to drive" but it's not so easy. And fucking expensive, to boot.

Argh.

You know, I'm adaptable. People say, "Can you see youself in California?" well, yeah, and I can see myself in Japan, on the moon, on a raft in the middle of the ocean. I'm imaginative. In fact I could spend half an hour here tracing out a San Francisco fantasy life. My own apartment for the first time in my life, finally a tan, maybe letting my hair go light again, climbing my way up the corporate monkeybars, showering money from my liberal bonuses on my friends and family....I could be bearably copacetic, even happy in CA. It's not like it's a disgusting prospect.


What do I *want* to do?


This question got me to NYC. Someone asked me that when I was more confused than I have ever been in my life, and I answered it thusly:

"So I sit here and think "Ohmigod, what I really want is to be single and find myself a job as a nanny in NYC, with my blue painting on the wall of my live-in-nanny apartment, while taking classes, be in a band where I can take the subway to practice, leave dirty dishes in the sink and go out with alternative, quirky guys my age who aren't depressive and who respect me for who I am, who have their own jobs and paths and trashy studio apartments."

And you know what, it's turned out differently, but in essence, I got what I wanted. Freedom and independence, in NYC. Moving to SF, I'd keep the freedom and independence, but without the NYC. Maybe it feels so foreign because I never spent any time day-dreaming about California. I don't know why...it just was never in my immediate library of fantasies.

Until now I've never realized how much I rely on a long fantasy period before I make any decision. The absent mindedness and head-in-the-clouds attitude I've always been scolded for are just symptoms of my way of processing the world. I imagine, I make up scenarios, I write stories to myself before I fall asleep. And I've been trying to do this with CA but it's not working because it's so rushed.

Give me three months and I'd probably have myself and the rest of you all convinced that all I've ever wanted was to move to California and learn to surf. But three days? Three days to decide to change my life in a huge way?

People tell me that a year or two is not a big deal when you are my age, that I can move there and then move back, and New York will still be here, and I have nothing to lose. I don't really buy it. A year or two when I was 18 permanently changed my life, for better or for worse. String theory... it's silly to say that your decisions hold less weight when you are young, goddamn, now is when the decisions count the most!


I'm getting wound up.



I think what is really bothering me is that I hear myself rationalizing and "looking on the bright side" and talking myself up to California. And the self that is doing all of this sounds a lot like the self that did all of that when she was trying to convince herself that getting married was a good idea.

^
|

That's what I get for sitting meditation. Clarity whether I wanted it or not. That came to me last night and I've been trying to avoid it ever since.

So, ok, that's why I'm freaking out with these anxiety feelings. Understandable. I'm even having the same kind of nightmares I had before the wedding. But what does it mean? Is it a warning sign? Or should it make me realize that I am reacting to this possible move in a bad way because of my past, and not because there's anything wrong with this possible move?

I don't like acting out of fear but I feel a lot of it right now, around both options.