Wherein Amanda examines the Phenomena of Freaking the Fuck Out.

As usual, I'm thinking about paths. This has been brought even more sharply into the forground because I'm looking at a pretty huge fork in the road here. And also as usual, I'm drawing all kind of wisdom about my current obsession into my wake.

The Buddha is making me think about paths.

Will Brenzy's horoscope is making me think about paths (see today's 1st entry).

Ishmael by Daniel Quinn is making me think about paths.

Even the Anthony Robbins propaganda pressed onto me in adolescence by my self-help-junkie father is coming back to me now, and making me think about paths.

I had a sort of Satori moment this evening. As usual, with my Satoris, it's not really anything new. And as usual, I don't know how well I'll be able to hold onto it. I suppose it's more Kensho than Satori. As an article I was reading on the subject says,

"Having had a Kensho experience doesn’t mean you are Enlightened any more than sinking a one-time jump shot means you are ready for the NBA."

Sure, okay. But sinking the jump shots on a more or less regular basis helps you get ready for it. Anyway, digression. The moment came when A1 and I were having a discussion about paths.

A1 is having a tough time figuring out if he's making the right decision with this teaching thing.

I'm having a tough time figuring out if I'm making the right decision with this California thing.

These things are Freaking us the Fuck Out.

Why?

That's the question I've been asking hard and long.

When I grew up, the idea of One was fundamental and unquestionable. It's all over the creed, arguably the most fundamental bit of the Church:

Credo in unum Deum

I believe in one God...

Et in unum Dominum,

And in one Lord

Iesum Christum, filium Dei unigenitum...

Jesus Christ, the only son of God...

consubstantialem Patri...

Of one being with the Father...

...Et unam sanctam catholicam et
apostolicam Ecclesiam....

And in one holy catholic Church...

Confiteor unum baptisma...

I confess one baptism...

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It's crawling with exclusivity, which was one of the first religious problems I ever confronted, and one of the two that ultimately drove to to reject my faith. And it's not just the creed.

We learn, very early on, that the One God has One Great Plan, formulated for mankind before we were even created.

The One God has plotted out One Path for mankind, which must be followed One Way for the One Plan to unfold perfectly.

But it doesn't stop at the level of generalities.

Each man, individually, has One Role, which he must enact One Way, to do his part fo fulfill the One God's One Plan.

So I asked, "How?"

The answer, find your Vocation. What's a Vocation? Well, since my Latin is flooding back to me the past two days, unbidden (I was singing the Salve Regina in the elevator) we'll just dissect it. It comes from the verb vocare which means to call, from the noun vox, which means voice. So it's, (duh) your calling. And who's doing the calling? the voice of God. I was going to hyperventilate and rant about this a little bit, but wait. Is there ANYTHING in that word about a Path? Anything about a Way? Anything about a plan?

In a moment of boldness, startling even myself, I said this to A1:

Amanda says:
I no longer believe in "vocation"

Amanda says:
a one, true calling that you MUST find, or your life is wasted

Amanda says:
any more than I believe in a one, true love that you MUST find or you're doomed to loneliness

Amanda says:
I believe in both cases that there are paths that lead to your motivators

Amanda says:
and paths that lead away

Amanda says:
and that's all.


I really was gearing up to get really bitter about the church and the concept of Vocation in this entry, but I've just had another Kensho experience. It's a good thing my ass is nice and padded, because hell, it's getting kicked these days.

So suddenly, think about my Latin...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I was talking to A1 about motivators - I was calling them "puppy biscuits".

Last night, while Freaking the Fuck Out, I made a list of "what I need to be happy". Through out today, I distilled it quite a bit. "What I need to be happy", hence to be known as my "Motivators" or "Puppy Biscuits" come in two flavours.

Positive:

- Love
- A sharing of/in Beauty

and Negative:

- A powerful urge to avoid inflicting suffering.

Now, these may sound very cliche and Miss America, but I can't deny their truth. More on this in a moment.

Let me pause for a minute and tell you the rest of the story about the One God that I learned as a small Catholic child. It's important.

So there's this One Way, and your part in it, is to find your One Vocation. Now, they stress how important this is. The idea of a vocation manquée (missed vocation) was the most anguishing thing imaginable. The visionary Lucia of Fatima wrote:

“Otherwise, if you let yourself be conquered by the temptation, consider that you have taken the first step down towards hell, and it will be difficult for you climb back up. No path to Heaven presents greater difficulties along the way than that of a missed vocation."

The founder of a famous order of priests wrote:

"Loss of vocation has most serious consequences. Here are the three most common ones:

1. An unhappy life. The man who is not where God wants him to be is like a dislocated limb, which suffers and makes the whole body suffer.

2. A long string of related faults. Massillon says that ‘Everything becomes a temptation or a stumbling-block for anyone who leaves a holy state to which God is calling him, in order to jump back into the world. The most innocent pleasures soil his heart; the most indifferent objects will be fatal for his innocence; the easiest obligations will arouse in him invincible repugnance; he will corrupt everything by using it improperly; no matter which way he turns, he will find himself caught in snares’.

"There are three disastrous things which follow the loss of one’s vocation", adds Tronson; "deprivation of a great number of graces, a terrifying succession of sins, and the risk of being damned."

3. Lack of success in everything one undertakes. How can you succeed in a job and in a state of life in which you have placed yourself and to which God is not calling you? He who resists God cannot count on his protection; so what will happen to him is exactly what the prophet said: ‘Unless the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it’ (Ps. 126,1). Such a person will throw himself into all sorts of ventures, will try everything, and more often than not, will fail at everything.

III

To apostatize from one’s vocation means to abandon it when it is no longer a matter of counsel but one of precept; in other words, after having made profession. Profaning one’s vocation and the holy covenant one has made with God often brings on the total ruin of one’s salvation. It is like a shipwreck on the high seas; after such a disaster, it will be very difficult, perhaps impossible, to reach port. It is total bankruptcy; the entire economy of one’s salvation, one’s whole spiritual fortune is endangered and perhaps ruined forever. Apart from mental illness, the only way one reaches such a state is through crimes, the profanation of one’s vows and the sacraments, total neglect of duty, or some other enormous failing.

There is nothing worse than apostate religious. St. Augustine’s opinion of them was, "I have never seen more perverse and more deeply corrupted individuals than those who went bad in religious life". According to St. Robert Bellarmine, they were prefigured by the figs which Isaiah saw, so bad, so rotten, that the mere sight of them disgusted people and made them want to vomit. It was of them that Jesus Christ was speaking when he said, "No man putting his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God" (Lk 9,62).

St. Thomas also spoke about them when he stated that one of the strongest signs of reprobation is inconstancy in one’s vocation. And finally, St. Paul was talking about them when he stated that it is impossible, meaning really that it is very difficult, for those who have been enlightened, who have tasted the gift of God and have then fallen, to be renewed later on by penance, because they have done all they can to crucify the Son of God all over again and heap scorn upon him. For, he adds, the earth "that brings forth thorns and briers is reprobate, and very near to a curse, whose end is to be burnt" (Heb 6,8). I have finally come to understand the words of St. Ignatius, "For a professed religious, the most dangerous temptation of all is temptation against one’s vocation".

To be unfaithful to one’s vocation means:

1) not reaching the degree of virtue and perfection to which one is called; it means not being sufficiently faithful to grace; it means shrinking from being hard on oneself, living in laxity and tepidity;

2) not doing all the good one had the grace to do, that one could and should have done.

Every religious teacher who neglects his own perfection and education, is more or less unfaithful to his vocation. These are the sad effects of infidelity to one’s vocation:

1) a host of little faults, and sometimes big ones;

2) a restless, unhappy life, in which one is not happy with his confrères, with himself, nor even with God; one is deprived of the hundredfold of consolations and happiness promised by Jesus Christ;

3) the danger of losing one’s vocation and being abandoned by God;

4) great fear of death, many regrets and terrible anxiety at that formidable moment;

5) a long and rigorous purgatory.

"There, my dear brothers," Father concluded, «is the explanation you asked me for. May God help you to be profoundly aware of it. May he help you understand the value of your vocation. May he preserve you in it and keep all of you faithful to it!"


That's pretty heavy stuff. I read all of this and agonized over it as a child. As early as ten years old, I had nun pen-pals in five different orders. I sent away for vocational literature to every address I could find. I wore out the priest's ear in the confessional, I even wrote to the pope. (His secretary sent me back an autographed 5x8 that I think I still have somewhere.)

I was petrified.

Once I gave up the church, I found I was not free of this terror, not at all. And surprisingly, neither were my secular friends, especially among artists. There was a great angst, a great wailing and gnashing of teeth. What if they chose the wrong art? What if they weren't really called to art at all? If they didn't have a genuine calling to the arts, what were they then? If they did have a genuine calling, a genius, and they neglected it, they were fucked. How could we know for sure?

It also tainted my love life. There had to be just one person for me. What if I fell in love with the wrong person? What if I I didn't recognise this person when I saw them? What if I never found them at all, due to circumstances beyond my control? What if I was so busy loving the wrong person that I let the right person pass me by? It was all angst, all gnashing of teeth. So I married the first person I loved. Surely, I thought, I could only love one person. And since I loved this person, he must be the one. How could I know for sure?

It goes on.

But this is my Satori, both of them, right here. As usual, it's a matter of definitions. My second Satori was this - we are confusing VOCATION with PATH.

My first Satori was this - our VOCATION is defined by our motivators.

Think of it! If we stop thinking of Vocation as a path, a career, and begin thinking of it as a Voice, even One Voice, suddenly the most dire croakings of the Saints all make perfect sense. In a minute, go back and read those awful passages, but think of them as telling you what awaits you if you ignore your Voice - the Deepest Longings of Your Heart - Your Heart Motivators. You'll find they are all true - or at least I have. When I've ignored my Voice, the Calling of my heart, all of those miseries, and worse, have heaped upon me.

"WAIT!" the monkey mind cries - "This is good news? What are you talking about!"

"Ah," says the higher self. "The best is yet to come."

So if the dire consequences are actually REAL, how does this remove our angst and pain? Shouldn't we be more worried and anxious, having realized that we can miss our vocation and have these horrible things occur?

Ah, but we CAN'T miss it.

One of the things that always seemed to me rather sadistic was that God would give us the One Way. But he wouldn't tell us just what it was. And he'd also give us free will. And a fallen nature. So working uphill against these odds would suck under quiet circumstances. Working uphill against these odds with clouds of sulfer and meaningless agony licking at your tail is horror.

But here's the thing. There's not One Way. There's One Voice, insofar as you've identified the Deepest Longings of your Heart, and insofar as listening to anybody else's voice doesn't seem to do it. Mine, at least, have always been unified and present, even ehn I had not artiulated them. And you can follow the Voice however you like.

Your job it just to find a path that answers the Voice. Any path that answers the voice. And you can ignore the Voice if you like. Life's going to rather suck while you do. It's going to suck in smaller or greater intervals depending on how much it's answering or ignoring the Voice. But the Voice isn't going anywhere. You can ignore it, but you can't miss it.

HOLY SHIT.

I just explained EVERLASTING tomorment. I couldn't figure that out about hell. Why did it have to be fucking eternal? What the hell? (ahem)

SO here it is. You're ignoring the Voice. While you're ignoring the Voice, you might as well be in hell, or some small version of it. You ignore your Voice, and you learn the good Father was right, nothing's working out for you. Or at least nothing that you care about. You hate your meaningless job, you're in debt up to your asshole trying to pay for the things you've bought to try to muffle or replace the Voice, you have no passion or enthusiasm, you can't get it up for anything. Life seems meaningless.

But the Voice remains. And it keeps calling you, like those fucking Sirens. And it won't fucking shut up. So you can't really forget that you're suffering. Because the Voice is Eternal. It's everlasting. It'll live longer than you, and it'll follow you right into the next lifetime. It doesn't matter that the Voice is pure and good and beautiful. It's morphed into nothing but a reminder of what you really want. of "What you need to be happy." and as Aeschylus (again! I knew he'd stick around) says "There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief." Or the glimpse of what seems like an unattainable joy. Just as is hidden in the teachings on hell, the one teaching that drove me farthest from the church, the pain of "the damned" is that, through their own choice, they've turned away from god, or The Voice. The Voice didn't put them there.

The problem with the little parable is that you can't just put yourself there once and for all. Yes, the longer you ignore the Voice, the harder it will be to get out of whatever hole you've dug and get back to it.

Why did Jesus say that bigotted thing about rich men and camels?

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." (Matthew 19:24)

It always seemed a very small minded and inconsiderate thing to say. But think of it! I've been ranting to A1 a lot about Interior Kingdoms - the Kingdom of the Voice. Hence, the Kingdom of God.

Say you've been smothering your Voice, your Heart-Motivations, your Puppy Biscuit for 40, 50 years. You have millions of dollars invested in this distraction. Your Heart-Motivations are out of line with your business. You're pretty well fucked. But only pretty well. People can and do extract themselves from huge fortunes to follow what feeds their heart. It's just much harder.

I know this. I have to opportunity to become a very, very little bit rich, to the tune of $20,000. Doing something that may not run at complete cross-sticks with my Heart-Motivations, but which certainly doesn't do much to feed them. And which threatens to take me away from several things that feed them very strongly. But suddenly, being even just potentially a very, very little bit rich has made this a really hard decision. Maybe not as hard as getting a camel through the eye of a needle, but maybe as hard as squeezing your wet ass into dry tights when you've just gotten out of the shower.

There's still another bit of relief, though. There are MANY ways to follow the Voice. There are even ways to make your present imperfect path conform more closely to the Voice, without a major change. It's possible to head down a path away from the Voice, and that's okay. You can turn around. There are also parallel paths. There are circular and spiralling paths. Nothing is permanent.

Breathing in, I contemplate the impermanence of all Dharmas

I had no idea how important that meditation was, though I do it every day. Dharma means law, or way. Or...path.

The major angst doesn't come from being on the wrong path. Being on a path that leads away from the Voice is probably uncomfortable and minimizes the joy you pull from life. But why should that Freak you the Fuck Out, if you can just turn around?

Because you're still stuck to the idea of One Right Path. It's the mythical "right path" that's making you miserable.

"If I leave New York, I'll leaving what could be the right place for me right now. I'll be abandoning the Voice. I'll be damned."

"If I break up with this man, I'll be leaving what could be the one right person for me. I could lose the one right person. I'll be lonely for ever. I'll have missed out on possibly the best thing that ever happened to me."

None of this is true.

It sounds cold, even to me, to say "Ah, there'll always be another one."

The sadness of life is that there may not be the same one. There will be another one, surely. Perhaps equal, perhaps less, perhaps greater.

The monkey mind hates this, and thinks it is passionless.

"Your ambivalence turns you to mush!" it cries "if nothing is wrong and nothing is right, nothing is important and life becomes meaningless!"

The higher self knows better.

"This is the answer to the question that has been filling you with pain for so many years. It is true that everything is impermanent. It is true that you must not priviledge the One, ever, because that will cause suffering - fear of loss..."

The monkey mind interrupts

"If I didn't fear the loss of what I loved, that would mean I didn't truly love it. Heartless!"

The higher self is patient.

"Here is the answer to the question that is causing you pain. You may still choose. You may always choose."

The monkey mind doesn't understand.

The higher self continues.

"There are many paths that are true to the Voice. Each path has its own irreplacable wonders. It is true that choosing one path over the other, you may miss the wonders of the other. You may wander from path to path if you wish, lover to lover, faith to faith, philosophy to philosophy, Saint Paul is right, nothing is forbidden you.

There may come a time though, when you are weary of wandering. Stop and rest awhile. Be still, and know that the Voice is near. If the path you are following is joyful and pleasant to you, and the Voice is near and strong, you may choose to linger, to follow one faith, love one lover, meditate on one philosophy. True, there is a certain passive rejection of the others in choosing the one, but you are not bound. You choose the one, but you do not proclaim it as the only One."

The monkey mind is uncertain.

"But if you do not say that what you believe and who you love are the best, and the most beautiful..." and paused.

The higher self smiles. "What then? What would that mean?"

The monkey mind does not know, and cannot think of an evil consequence.

The higher self: "If you have chosen a path, and the Voice is near, and it is pleasant to you, you are declaring it beautiful. Say you have one beautiful rose. You have hunted the world over, and this rose most conforms in your mind with your innermost ideal of a flower. Its every conture gladdens you, and its scent is home to you, and its colour matches some secret spot inside your heart. You choose this rose, and you hold it in your hand. It is beautiful.

Must you now burn every other flower in the world? If you burn every other flower in the world, does the rose grow more beautiful? If you leave the other flowers be, does the rose pale?"

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So you can have both. You can get away with saying that we must not make one thing The One, and yet we CAN choose between things. We CAN call one thing beautiful without calling other things ugly. We CAN choose one thing continually, even perpetually, without it being an ugly and dangerous attachment. Our free will remains intact. We can follow our Voice and find our Puppy Biscuits, and we can do it in any one of a million gorgeous ways, and live lives on fire with joy.

I'll repeat the line from my horoscope:

To aid your quest to glimpse your best possible future, here's advice that the sorcerer Don Juan gave to his student, Carlos Castañeda: "Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question. 'Does this path have a heart?' If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use."

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It is midnight and I just realized I am still at the office. Yikes.